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In an attempt to consolidate my various outlets, I'm switching to a new blog. Lj, you were good to me. But find my new entries at http://thevenetianswife.blogspot.com/
 i am so shockingly tired. i want to feel numb, numb, numb. but i feel tired, and when i am tired i just can't help crying. i hate myself for it sometimes, but sometimes just one more thing is the thing too much. i'll be able to deal just fine in the morning but now? now i am miss scarlet - i'll think about that tomorrow. (it's up to you to add the southern bell accent, i can't manage it.)

nights like this and the only thing to do is sleep. stop thinking lonely, anxious thoughts. stop planning. stop projecting, fantasizing, doubting. you will be in love with life again tomorrow, and if not tomorrow then next week. for sure. that was the day that was.

I need some sleep.
I can’t go on like this.
I try counting sheep,
But there’s one I always miss.

Everyone says I’m getting down too low
Everyone says: "You just gotta let it go"
"You just gotta let it go"
I just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
time to put the old horse down
I’m in too deep
and the wheels keep spinning round

Everyone says I’m getting down too low
Everyone says: "You just gotta let it go"
"You just gotta let it go"
I just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

Well, I made it through the first week of classes. (While working part-time, mind you.) Now it's almost the weekend and I have time to stop and think. Which means I am compelled to write out the week as a way of taking control over all that just happened to me.

The Good:
I like my teachers pretty well. (Especially in English and Anthropology.)
I got over my initial crowd-anxiety pretty quickly.
A cute boy from my English class said hi, and even walked across the parking lot with me.
I'm getting better and better at teaching Tae Kwon Do; it's really starting to jive for me.
I'm certainly not bored anymore.

The Bad:
While the teachers are good, it's kind of lame being in freshman classes because half the people don't care and don't even want to be there.
Adjusting from my summer sleeping habits. (Getting up at 7am instead of 11.)
I am getting really tired of having to get into my car after it's been sitting in a parking lot in 100 degree weather for hours. Fall better come soon.

The Ugly?
My back is super-sore, and i scraped some skin off my knuckles from sparring/kicking/punching drills at Tae Kwon Do last night. It's a good hurt, but ohhhh man...

Things I've learned: (aside from the academics)
Birds of a feather really do flock together. Kids seem to only hang out with people dressed like them.
I am even more insanely in love with English than I realized before.
There are lots of nice people out there... like the girl who helped me work my graphing calculator in math class yesterday without me even having to ask.
I can handle being in "real" school.

That's all for now.
school has finally started. i went to my first college class today (english). big step, hm? but for some reason when i was driving to the campus this morning, all i could think about was first grade. not what was in front of me, not all the years of homeschooling i had just finished. first grade, the one grade i spent actually IN a school.
i honestly don't know what triggered it, but all i could think about was my first day of first grade, when i met kelly the sweet assistant who was making ice tea. i remembered my jumper, how nervous i was to meet other children - having to meet them, speak to them. my memory expanded to include how my teacher natasha, a woman with wildly curly hair and a deep crows feet around her eyes, took my aside to make sure i could read. i was shocked, for of course i knew how to read. it never occurred to me that the other children might not. i remembered how the clips my mother put in my hair slid out during recess and now matter how hard i tried i couldn't get them to look nice and right like she had that morning. i remembered two of the other girls looking shocked that i didn't write in cursive and frightening me by telling me i would get in trouble if i printed my letters. i remembered standing on the blacktop with the other children during fire drills. i remembered my winter coat with fake fur around the hood and how the other children said i looked like an eskimo. i remembered playing food chain during recess with the sixth graders (how old they were!). playing in the pines. writing a story about my cat, smokey. how my mother made me wear my power rangers sweatshirt to school one day because there was nothing clean. i fought her bitterly that morning, as on many others. how could i explain to her that the other children would tease me about that sweatshirt if i wore it? i remember very clearly her frustration, standing at the closet door, simply trying to get her child to school. the other kids did tease me. we teased one another and judged one another about everything. what you wore, what you ate at lunch, who you played with. i wondered how young i would look to me now, that little six year old. i didn't think of myself as little then. i wonder i how young i will seem to me years from now. and here i am. look at me now, back IN school for the first time since then.
that's what i thought about this morning as i drove past fields of dry cornstalks.

but now i have to think about what is directly in front of me. more classes, (pack your books tonight!) work, (is your uniform clean?) homework, (get it done now!).

"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
  -Dame Edna Everage
i am in such an unbelievably good mood, i can't even believe it. i feel so happy that even knowing i have to go to the orthodontist and start working again the day after isn't getting me down. i'm so cheerful, all i can do is bask in it.

i marvel, perhaps because a few months ago or so i resembled a pms'ing marvin the clinically depressed robot on a nearly regular basis. (my family will attest to this.)
now, life is good. i managed to get my butt through highschool. i'm actually going to college, even if the way i'm getting there isn't exactly how i first imagined, it feels like this was the way it's supposed to be. i can go places and do things on my own. i have great friends. i had a perfect vacation. i bought myself an ipod (at last) with all that graduation money. and i even made a little cozy for it so it stays warm and safe!

aren't i a good mommy?

i have a vague sense that this isn't necessarily going to last through the inevitable stress of the school year. i can't say i know what to expect but then again i never do. life moves forward. that's the important part, right? even if this sickening optimism doesn't stay with me?
at any rate, i will enjoy this upward turn on the wheel of fortune (not a game show reference!) as much as i can.
i am so tired... what i get for acting like i hadn't just taken two months off in tae kwon do yesterday. i thought i was fine. then the cramps and sudden vertigo hit. i was okay, just had to sit down and put my head between my knees for a few minutes.
i should know better.

anyway, today i did a fat load of nothing. except embroider, and dwell on someone who is bothering me, and people who i would like to see... and think about what i have to do this week, and next week. and how even though i really don't want to start working again next week, how desperately i need the income. i also did some laundry, and checked my email nigh on obssesively out of boredom, but there was nothing.
it was a lazy day.


now i have my funny waiting feeling. but i know that won't last, because everything will start happening soon. these really are my last days of summer. that is why i don't mind being lazy. it feels good because i know it can't last.
i am home. home, home, home. i flew back from chicago (first time ever), and my flight went fine, but i understand why people complain about flying. especially if you have to fly economy. but it was so worth the trip. i cannot even express how worth it it was.

akron was it's usual summer dream full of grandparents and cuzins and ohio sweet corn. cleveland was crazy, and wonderful all at the same time, and was so happy to finally meet cousin jack who is so adorable (my cousin is cuter than your cousin, ha).
and let us not forget chicago. i think i may be on my way to falling in love with that city. but the best part was hanging with ant joan and her family. i did more in that week than i have in the past month. lincoln park zoo, mary zimmerman at the goodman theater (god, how i love the theater), the chicago art insitute, millenium park and the bean, navy pier and an architectual tour up the chicago river, riding the L to the movies with brian, blue man group, and last but not least getting harry potter #7 at midnight with joan... then getting up three hours later to drive to the airport. it was a magnificent trip. now i am left to resettle myself back into my life; clean my laundry, unpack and sort things back where they belong, catch up on lost sleep. i can tell it's going to take a few days to recover, and at the moment i cannot even think about what's ahead of me...

a word about harry

i'd like to say a few things in the aftermath of the harry potter release mania, while every loyal fan is nose deep in the book (i'm only up for a breather). now, i don't really care how you feel about harry potter or ms rowling. i don't care if you love harry, or if you think the books are an evil influence, or if you don't really care, or if you've only ever watched a few of the movies and (honestly?) don't quite understand the passion with which some people read those books.
but i have realized for the very first time how much the harry potter books have meant to me. i read the first book when i was ten, unwilling at first and only because my father volunteered to read the book aloud to my brothers and i. but from nearly the very first paragraph i was enchanted, and many nights i begged my exhausted father to please just read one more chapter. since then i and many of my friends eagerly awaited each new installment. and as i grew up, so did harry. i think that's why i've always loved him. i was struck last friday night that as harry potter is ending his childhood, i am on the verge of ending mine. that the book should come out this particular summer, only a few weeks before my freshman year of college seems slightly eerie to me. there are few books i read with the same intensity these days, so distracted am i by fresh responsibilities... so this book really does feel like a last vestige of just being a kid. i am reminded of how much pleasure and pain i have experienced with these characters, how much magic, and how at 12:01 saturday they brought people together who otherwise never would have been. i love that. and i still love harry and his comrades without shame.
fantasy has always had a powerful hold over me, and i am grateful not only to j.k. rowling, but to susan cooper, and lloyd alexander, and philip pullman, and patricia c. wrede, and brian jacques, and j.r.r tolkien, and those great-grandaddies of the fairy tale, the brothers grimm. they have all given me stories i will carry with me for the rest of my life. even though i am sad and elated at this last harry potter (because i know it is the beginning of the end) i know those books will always be there, and the pleasure they gave me will not be forgotten.

thanks harry.
i'm in chiiiicago!

i can't say i've ever felt like this before, but all of a sudden i feel like such a country girl... everywhere i turn around there's buildings, cars, people, streets, and sidewalks. it's so different than home, where there are trees and goats and even having workmen in the backyard feels like an invasion of space. but it's so exciting to be here, and with my amazing aunt and her fabulous family. akron and cleveland were great too, lots of time with my crazy family whom i miss when i am in NC. i can't even begin to describe everything, but moments of interest might be:
atwood lake pool restored to it's former glory
graduation party (yay)
aunt deeda's art opening (she is so unbelievably talented)
seeing almost the entire family assembled at said art opening
meeting cousin jack at last
coming to chicago for what my aunt has termed "ivy's first visit to chicago, not her last..."

there is so much to say i can't even think how to say it. except: best vacation ever.

more later.